Everyone in the blogosphere knows that simply putting the word iPad in your headline will get your article a dumptruck full of pageviews, but the latest article from some douchebag at ZDNet just takes the cake. I apologize in advance for the language.

I’m not even going to link to the article, because quite frankly it doesn’t deserve even a single pageview this site might send it. Instead, I’ll offer some quick commentary on this dipshit’s list of reasons not to buy a new iPad. It should also be noted that at the end of this stupid piece of crap article the author admits he has never seen the new iPad, but has ordered one so as to ensure his journalistic integrity.

Reason 1: You already have an iPad

Well no shit, Sherlock. I don’t buy a new house or car when I already have one either. Why is this an iPad-specific problem?

Reason 2: The retina display is mostly marketing hype

He used the word “phanbois” (hey dipshit, it’s FANBOI, not phanboi) in the first sentence, so it’s hard to take this point seriously. Apparently this moron feels that the iPad’s retina display isn’t worth it because the screen is still nine inches. As you’ll see later on, this dude is obsessed with the small size of his penis iPad.

Reason 3: High-res apps will take more memory

This one is about his only valid point. Yeah, apps will take up more space, so you may not be able to get away with the 16GB model.

Reason 4: 4G/LTE is expensive

Android apologists spent the last year complaining that Apple didn’t offer a 4G device, now all of a sudden 4G is bad because it costs more?

Reason 5: 4G/LTE doesn’t work in a lot of places

Yet another one where I ask, what the hell does this have to do with the iPad? Apparently he didn’t know that it still works on a 3G network when 4G is turned off or not available, because he claims you’ll have to string twine between two iPads and shout into the microphone.

Reason 6: The porn issue

Yeah, clearly porn has been a real problem for Apple. Fat Hawaiian-shirt boy says that Apple blocks porn apps from the app store, so you won’t be able to view it on the retina display. Maybe he’s never heard of a web browser.

Reason 7: The size

Here we go again with his penis iPad size. He just finished complaining in Reason #2 that the iPad is only 9 inches and needs to be bigger, now he’s complaining that it’s too big and needs to be smaller like the Kindle Fire.

Reason 8: iPad 2 accessories won’t necessarily work

I’m not sure what accessories he’s talking about other than the cases and sleeves he refers to. The new iPad is a bit larger than the iPad 2, so yeah, you’ll need to buy a new case if you already have one for your iPad 2. The ultimate “no-duh” moment, this one.

Reason 9: It’s still not 16×9

Yeah, cause the ONLY thing people do with an iPad is watch porn movies.

Reason 10: There’s still no USB port

And I need one why?

Reason 11: You still have to use iTunes too often

We have an iPad 2, I’ve never opened iTunes on it beyond the first day to set it up

Reason 12: There’s still no removable storage

What, you want a SCSI drive in there or something? Ever hear of iCloud, Dropbox, BOX, or any of the other services out there? Again, why would I need it?

Reason 13: Kindles are still much less expensive

Fords are much less expensive than a BMW, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t buy a Ford. Dipshit.

Reason 14: You can still only run software approved by Apple

And clearly that has proven to be a poor choice by Apple, eh? I’ll bet in between sessions of counting their money, they take time to ponder the regret for that decision.

Reason 15: It still can’t be used as a standalone computer

Neither can my digital watch, dipshit. If you were trying to replace your standalone computer with a tablet, you’re dumber than your byline photo.

Reason 16: Apple still won’t let you write or run programs that execute programs

Oh dear Lord, he just doesn’t appear to get it, does he…


I give this gonad props for managing to use the words draconian and Big Brother in one sentence when describing Apple, though. The millions of Fandroid readers will surely cheer for that.

Most of his points apply to all tablets, or virtually all tablets. And the rest are just plain stupid. Having written for numerous other blogs over the years, I know most authors get paid by the article – sometimes even by the article length. In this case, his article was so long they broke it up into three pages so it would generate more pageviews if you could actually tolerate reading it all the way through. I’ve always hated “list” articles, but this stupid crap raises the bar for shitty, lazzy, money-grab blogging to a new level.