A while back, I ranted about developers, PC writers, bloggers, Microsoft and Mac users in general. Today, I want to chit-chat about the iPhone. The iPhone, it’s the 2nd-coming of Christ. It’ll make your stupid kids smarter, your fat-ass smaller, your husband’s beer-belly smaller, and your ugly wife hotter! The iPhone makes your e-penis huge like no amount of Viagra can. It’ll deposit $100,000 into your bank account today, and it’ll eradicate every douchebag in Washington D.C. and replace them with hard-working, honest Americans with the touch of a button. With all that up-side, it’s no wonder that every Web site I visit, I get a heaping helping of iPhone B.S. shoved down my grocery pipe.
My RSS reader of choice actually puked on my keyboard this morning, and I’m pretty sure I saw an iPhone Mail icon mixed in the puddle of mush. Sites I used to love reading are gagging like a cat with a furball in its throat with iPhone articles. Enough already!
TUAW (The Unofficial Apple Weblog) used to be interesting… until the iPhone came along. The last time I looked, 8 out of the 15 articles on the front page were about the iPhone. You may think that’s not a bad ratio, but keep in mind that the other 7 articles were somewhere between 3 sentences and 2 paragraphs each of re-hashed press-release material. The iPhone articles, on the other hand, were pooping out some rubbish about how wonderful it was that there was talk of an iPhone app that would (gasp) count down a user-specified amount of time, and discussing the important issue of how much money the developer would make selling the app in the Apple iPhone iTunes iStore – or whatever the heck they’re calling it. I call it TMDC, “The Money Down the Crapper” store.
Had a look-see at MacRumors lately? Some little monkey-poop island in the middle of the South Pacific is rumored to be where Apple is having the glue used on the iPhone box made. They’re pretty sure it’s all accurate – somebody’s brother’s mother’s sister’s son stirs the glue pot in between making shoes for 12-cents a day in the sweat shops. This is of great enough importance that MacRumors saw fit to create an iPhone tab which when clicked, brings you all the latest worthless information about the iPhoney-baloney on one mind-numbing page. Macworld lists 4 of their top 10 stories as iPhart-related dribble. Unfortunately, I read the same information on other sites about two weeks earlier.
MacLife (formerly MacAddict) lists 8 iPhell-asleep articles out of 15 total on the home page. Good grief, talk about “addicts.” Look out your window, you’ll see a plate of pork flying by. Even John Gruber of DaringFireball is linking to iPhone articles quite often. C’mon John, don’t do it. Just say no. Just say iNo. You’re too cool for the iPutz – even if it is the 320GB $987 model with only a 137 year contract. Why can’t every site be like The Apple Blog. Only 3 out of 20 articles on the front page mention the iPhutz at the time I checked — and one of them wasn’t exactly a fan-boy type of article.
Honest to gosh, what the heck is wrong with people? It’s a damn phone. If you somehow convince yourself that you MUST have it, then you’re a fool. If your life is so complicated that you need to check your email every two minutes, check your calendar, add some more contacts, check the local weather and find the closest restaurant, then you obviously don’t have time to listen to music or look at pictures or watch videos. So why would you spend the $85+ a month it’s going to cost you (on top of the iPhone itself)? Here’s a better idea. Go grab yourself a Verizon account with a free phone. Spend the time you were going to spend tinkering with the iPhone actually doing something… you know, like accomplishing tasks. Simplify your life. Spend time enjoying it, rather than trying to organize it.
If you just like to have cool gadgets, I totally understand, and you’re exempt from the above statements. I’m a tech geek too. But before you blow your wad on the iRipOff, take a look at what Maddox has to say about the iTurd. If nothing else, the artwork is worth admiring. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Apple and its products – even the iPhone. And I still read all those sites I just dumped on. But I feel I must ask them to please, SHUT THE iHELL UP ABOUT THE iPHONE ALREADY and get back to the Mac, and all the great software out there for OSX.
iPhone image courtesy of Apple, the rest of the B.S. is courtesy of me. NOTE: Original article has been edited for a typo, and foul language has been (mostly) removed to make it more “family-friendly.”