Warning: This is a snarky opinion piece. If you would rather not be offended by the fact that I’m not offended, but am offended that you are; well then, this article probably isn’t for you. And I don’t care, but just know that you’ve been warned.
Apple has a sex problem.
No, not an Ashley Madison type of sex problem. Not even a “mom found my stash of porno mags under the bed” type of problem. More of a “he-said, why didn’t she-said” type of problem. Apparently, it also has a race problem. Hell, Apple is just one giant problem… if you believe the Internet, that is.
Apple had barely completed yesterday’s “Hey Siri” event, arguably one of their largest product release events in recent history, when the Internet had one of its all-to-frequent It’s My Turn To Be Offended, Dammit! pile-ons. The sheer stupidity and linkbaitedness of the accusations made in the articles are so thick you can choke on them. And I nearly did.
The Verge posted this pathetic puddle of baboon piss about what I’ll call SmileGate. Apple invited representatives of Adobe to come on stage and demo their software’s image retouching power. And that was their big, huge, massive mistake.
Unfortunately, Adobe chose two men to bring a scantily-clad woman on stage, slap her ass and tell her what nice tits she had.
Wait. That’s not quite accurate. Maybe they just had a photo of a woman, and used the software to make her red lipstick a little bit redder, and turn up the corners of her mouth to make her appear to be slightly smiling.
The horror. I mean… can you believe the audacity of Adobe to pull this kind of disgusting behavior toward women?
And the world blames Apple.
Not to be outdone, NextWeb decided to re-puke the previously mentioned article and add more semi-digested chunks to it.
Apparently, Apple hates African Americans, Native Indians, Jews, Italians, Armenians, Hungarians, Arabs, and Polacks. And Australians. And anyone from Alaska. And they still hate women of any race, just not quite as much as they used to.
According to the potato sack who wrote that piece of drivel, Apple needs to have one member of every race on Earth speak for at least 45 seconds at every Apple event, just to show that Apple is a company by the people, for the people… or something like that. I don’t know.
I have an image in my mind of Tim Cook in a sweat-soaked blue shirt, skipping and hopping around on stage while clapping and screaming DIVERSITY. DIVERSITY. DIVERSITY. DIVERSITY. Of course, people would probably be offended by the blatant gimmick copying:
And then the entire frigging Internet pooped out Tweets and links to the same or similar articles. Because you know, nobody wants to be left out. I dunno. The race to the bottom of the ‘It’s My Turn To Be Offended’ barrel on the Internet is getting quite tired.
No matter what Apple does here, some people are going to find a way to be butt-hurt about it. If Apple had filled the entire keynote with female employees speaking about all the products, their would surely be a gaggle of loudmouths accusing Apple of conspiring to put one over on us, or ‘play to the crowd’ too much. One more African American, one more Asian, one more of any race, and the same people would probably sport their Confederate flag shirts and hold up signs that read ‘MERICA!
The world has a diversity problem, and it appears that if I wish to fit in with the hip crowd, I must blame Apple.