Let’s start off with Safari 4:

Tabs – Apple released the beta of Safari 4 back in February. People immediately threw their Mac in the trash can and switched to Windows because Apple experimented (IN A FREAKING BETA) with moving the browser Tabs from below Safari’s toolbar to above it, thus saving approximately 20 pixels of space by placing it in a relatively useless window bar. Fast forward to yesterday, Apple releases Safari 4 and because of all the bitching and moaning, the Tabs are now back where they were in Safari 3, below the toolbar. So what do I see in the comments of virtually every article about Safari 4 yesterday – after just four months of having them on top? No, not people happy to see them back, ohhhh no! Now everyone wants to throw their Mac in the trash and switch to Windows because Apple had the freaking nerve to move the tabs back below – where they obviously don’t belong. How could Apple do such a stupid thing? I mean, you’ve had Tabs below the toolbar in every browser available for many years, but after just 4 months of a beta app, you’ve completely fell in love with Tabs on top. Progress Indicator – And what about that Load/Progress indicator. First you had to have a blue progress bar behind the URL field to indicate a page was still loading – as if you were so stupid that the half-loaded images on a mostly blank Web page weren’t indication enough that it was still loading. No, you just couldn’t live with the little round indicator taking up relatively no space in the URL field. So Apple made it a little bigger, a little bolder in color, and painfully obvious at even a brief glance that a page is loading. So are you happy? Nooooo. Why the hell would Apple do such a thing? The little rotating arrow from the beta was so elegant and out of the way… Grrrrr! For the love of God people, just look at the damn page – does it look loaded to you? If not, wait just another half a freaking second! Is that so much to ask? And to the 40 booger-eaters out there that post in every forum, support board, and blog article about how Safari constantly crashes and has completely hosed their entire computer, let me just say this. You dolts are the only people out of hundreds of thousands that appear to have this problem. Is it possible, just slightly possible, that YOU are the problem, and not Safari? Please shut up!

What, no new MacPro?:

Ok, what part of DEVELOPERS CONFERENCE don’t you understand? Yesterday wasn’t Macworld Expo, it was a relatively small conference for DEVELOPERS. The fact that Apple released any hardware at all at WWDC is fairly rare (though it has been happening more frequently the last few years). But ok, I’ll play along. Developers favor laptops for their work. This is because a developer typically needs little more than a few text apps to do their coding, a copy of Dreamweaver, a Web browser, and in some cases, an image editor for working with low-resolution graphics. Not exactly a strain on the CPU. They also like to work on the road. You know, sitting down at the local Starbucks sipping on $47 cups of puke-invoking coffee or $758 6oz cans of RedBull. WHY THE HELL WOULD APPLE RELEASE A NEW MAC PRO AT WWDC? Have you asked yourself that? They just updated it a short time ago. Would another 3Mhz make that much difference in your life? C’mon…. kindly shut your yap!

But I just bought a laptop…

If I see one more person bitching about the fact that they “just bought a MacBook Pro six months ago and now it’s useless” I’m going to reach through my magic window on the interwebs and stick a pencil in their throat! You’re six-month-old MacBook Pro is not useless, YOU ARE! And just in case you just arrived on planet Earth, let me introduce you to the world of technology – where upgrades happen approximately every six to nine months. Now I ask you to shut your alien pie-hole!

What? They’re charging for Snow Leopard???

Ok, so I haven’t seen too many people complaining about the price of Snow Leopard. Oh wait… yes I have. Apple upgrades OSX approximately every 18-months, give or take a few months. They’ve been doing this for years. An upgrade is a major new release, while an update is a bug-fix, or minor feature enhancement. Upgrades cost money – this is a fact of life that despite your constant complaining and threats to throw your Mac in the trash and switch to Windows isn’t going to change. Because Apple understands that people sort of expect major feature additions with an upgrade, they kindly lowered the price of Snow Leopard to $29 for those of us who paid the full $129 for Leopard. They realize that we got all the cool features with Leopard, and Snow Leopard is just optimizing the experience and adding a few handy doo-dads. If you’re still using Tiger, you haven’t paid for Leopard, thus you will be paying $129 for Snow Leopard, which essentially includes Leopard AND Snow Leopard. Does that make sense? Apparently not, because you’ve spent the last 24-hours complaining about a lousy $30 upgrade price. And don’t even get me started about the people who qualify for the $10 upgrade because they purchased their Mac this morning and it only included Leopard. You got a fantastic operating system pre-installed. You haven’t even bookmarked a single page in Safari and already you’re complaining about a $10 upgrade??? What is it about some Mac users (I guess any computer user, actually) that think that everything should be free forever? Again, welcome to planet reality, where things cost money. And don’t even get me going on the people who have a PPC-based Mac, such as a G4 or G5, who are complaining about the fact that Snow Leopard is Intel-only. What did you expect, upgrades forever? Your computer is at least three-years-old for cryin’ out loud. There’s no upgrade path to Snow Leopard because Snow Leopard simply optimizes how the OS runs on Intel hardware. You don’t have Intel hardware, or did you forget that already? Your G5 tower will see absolutely no benefit from the upgrade, so what difference does it make that you can’t upgrade to it? If you haven’t upgraded to an Intel Mac yet, you’re obviously happy with the machine and its performance, so please do everyone a favor, just shut up and enjoy your G5!

iPhone users/complainers:

Look, you’re getting no sympathy from most people. You’re obviously made of money, because you’re paying just stupidly sick fees to AT&T for the privilege of using an iPhone. So shut up, bite the bullet, and buy the new iPhone if you want one – we know it’s more important to you than eating anyway. And for those of you who are complaining about the iPhone’s new camera – get a freaking life. They upgraded it to a three megapixel camera and improved the lens – because dimmly lit snapshots of your snot-nosed little brother licking dog-poop in the backyard simply wasn’t good enough at two megapixels. Read my lips: the iPhone is not supposed to replace a professional-grade DSLR camera. You don’t need 10 megapixels. Now shut up, and answer your phone or play with your fart app!

Stupid Apple people, you suck!

If you agree (or not) that these cry-baby, snot-nosed, little turd-burglars doing all the complaining need to just shut the heck up, Tweet it, Float it, Digg it or leave a comment and let me know what you think – I’ve got a fire extinguisher next to my desk just waiting to get used.